I can talk about this now, and I’ll start by saying Tom is a very good driver. And I am a very good navigator. I can read a map, have a good sense of direction, and am good at planning routes, scenic or otherwise. But things are different here in the UK and in the Republic of Ireland, and I’m not just talking about driving on the left. For both driver and passenger, I offer these true stories and tidbits of advice.
When reserving a car in Ireland, DO accept the insurance coverage. Even your fancy-pants credit card probably won’t cover it.
Drive left and keep left. But not too far left. Hedges don’t do damage, but stone walls might.
On a one-lane road, be aware of the protocol when meeting another vehicle. If it’s a truck, do whatever they tell you to. If you’ve just passed an area where you can pull slightly off the road, back up to it. Cars going downhill have the right-of-way. Otherwise, just gun it.
There’s no rule against rounding the roundabout a few times until you figure out which way you want to go. But caution, navigators: the driver might get impatient and take off in some unknown direction. (If the driver made a lucky guess and you’re on the right track, you lose your voice of authority. If the driver is wrong, it’s your fault.)
It takes a while to know if you are on the right road or not. Don’t count on signs to confirm your last turn. They aren’t there.
If there are signs, they are hidden behind tree branches or low under the hedges. But that’s OK, you’ll notice them when you have to turn around and retrace your steps.
Signs generally don’t provide the information you are looking for. You want a road number and instead it’s called by a name. You want a name, and it’s a number (with additional numbers in parentheses). Road numbers, especially in Ireland, have just been added or changed. Locals disagree on the names of the roads. Street names change every few blocks. And worst of all, roundabout signs will name some dinky little towns that aren’t even on your map as headings for the road to somewhere else.
In the Republic of Ireland, distances are in kilometers. Cross over into Northern Ireland, and all of a sudden, you’re in miles. Your odometer is probably in one or the other, not both; the speedometer, oh, who cares?
Get a better map.
Do not rely on Google mapping alone, but thank your lucky stars for it.
Remember your phone will lose its data plan when you cross the borders between the Republic and Northern Ireland and your phone service changes. So in other words, memorize the directions, because your mapping will drop off.
For navigators: use the right–and I mean ‘correct’–words when giving directions. Agree on the vocabulary in advance. Three o’clock at the roundabout means a right turn (after circling from the left). It does not mean the 3rd off-road, because that might by eleven o’clock.
Understand that once you enter the roundabout, you immediately lose your sense of twelve o’clock.
For drivers: When the navigator says “Stay Centered,” it means you are about to drive into a wall or off a cliff or under a semi. Move over! (But don’t change lanes. If I meant change lanes I would have said ‘change lanes.’)
Once you’ve established the rules of engagement, keep talking to a minimum. The Driver needs to concentrate. The Navigator may want to enjoy the moments between navigational points, but saying ‘”Oh, wow!’ for example, can make the Driver jumpy, potentially resulting in hard braking, swerving, or catapulting.
For Drivers: When you hear instructions from The Navigator, acknowledge. If you don’t, the Navigator is likely to repeat the instruction and keep talking, trying to clarify the orders. Then the Driver might say, “Shut up!” and then the Navigator might say, “Fuck you!”
Corollary: During the ensuing silence, it is always a good idea to take in the scenery. However, learn from this Navigator. Do not say, “Holy cow, did you see that?” as I did. Even if the cows were performing the holy act, as they were, the driver doesn’t want to know.
As a wise man once said, never go to bed angry.